Intervention
by MarleneShadowheart
Summary: *Oneshot!* When the crew finally notices the Captain's unhealthy obsession with female relations, they decide to host a last-minute intervention...but can they do it before a giant mob of angry alien women burst through the doors of the Bridge? You'll have to read to find out...


**A/N: I couldn't help myself...one minute I was remembering a lesson my old health teacher was teaching about interventions, and the next thing I knew...a child was born! (A BRAIN child, not an actual...yeah, I think you already knew that...)**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Star Trek. Aw. **

* * *

Intervention

Captain Kirk burst through the sliding doors and immediately shut them behind him with such force that everyone aboard the Bridge leapt up in fright.

Spock, who happened to be in the middle of an important conversation on Skype with the Klingon Emperor (there might not have been an Emperor in the series, but we'll make one for the sake of formality!) turned around in mild surprise. "Why, hello Captain," he said. "What a surprise; I thought you were going down to the planet's surface to get more toiletry supplies—"

The Captain rushed forward and slapped his hand over the Vulcan's mouth, silencing him. "I'm not here!" Kirk hissed, red-faced and out of breath.

Suddenly, a very loud _BANG!_ was heard, as if someone had thrown their entire weight against the door. Behind it, a feminine voice shouted, _"C'mon Captain Kirk, you said you'd show me the galaxy someday!"_

Another voice next to it cried, _"No, you said you'd show ME the galaxy someday!"_

Kirk rushed over to the control panel, shoved Sulu out of the way, and began slamming on random buttons. "They've found me!" he cried, struggling to steer the ship out of orbit.

"_Marry me, Captain Kirk; you said you would!"_ shouted another muffled female voice.

McCoy's eyes grew wide with fury. "Captain, what do you think you're doing?!" he cried. "Uhura and Scotty are still on the planet's surface—"

Kirk rolled his eyes. "Duh! Red shirts!" he snapped.

Sulu pointed at the solid titanium doorframe which was, at the moment, not looking as stable as it always had. "Who are they?"

Kirk guiltily wiped the perspiration off his brow and murmured, "I-I don't know who you're talking about…"

"_Captain Kirk, I LOVE YOU!" _This was followed by another _SLAM!_

Spock crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. "Have you been seeing more women from other planets when I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU that you couldn't?"

The Captain rubbed the toe of his shoe against an imaginary scuff mark on the floor. "No…"

"_CAPTAIN, I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY BABIES!"_

"…Yes…" the Captain confessed.

Spock leapt up into the air and did a fist-pump. "Ha! I knew I was right!" he cried, but then immediately suppressed all feeling and emotion once he began to receive stares.

Everyone else groaned. "Captain, I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist, but you need some serious help...CAPTAIN!" McCoy shouted.

Kirk slowly peeled his eyes away from the pretty engineer who just strutted past and ran his fingers through his hair, gazing blankly. "I'm sorry; what were you just saying?"

"Ooh! Ooh!" cried the Klingon Emperor (who was still on the big screen while this entire intervention was taking place). "I could give you the number of my psychiatrist, Pam! She does a lot of really neat breathing exercises, and she lets you talk about your feelings, and she has a giant bowl of lollipops…"

Everyone went silent.

"And…I'll let you guys settle this on your own…" the Emperor mumbled, suddenly becoming extremely fixated on the dirt that had gotten trapped under his fingernails.

Meanwhile, the pleas of the women outside were becoming even more desperate_. "I'll give you all the placidium on the planet if you'll be my boyfriend!" _cried one.

Spock's eyes widened. "That's an extremely powerful energy source; if we had even just a sample of that, we could run the energy of this entire ship for over a year."

"_Hey, if you become my boyfriend, I'll double that, AND I'll give you all the desireium on MY planet, too!"_

McCoy rubbed his hands together with glee. "We could heal all the sick and wounded with just a teaspoon of desireium if we had some!" he giggled.

"_I'll give you all the gold and jewels you desire if you JUST KISS ME!"_

Sulu grinned. "Ooh, shiny stuff!"

The crazed looks of all his fellow shipmates suddenly made the Captain very nervous. "N-Now fellahs," he stuttered, backing up very slowly. "Just remember all the wonderful deeds I've done for you, like all the times I prevented this ship from completely exploding, right?"

Spock nodded his head. "Get him," he commanded. Sulu and McCoy lifted their Captain up over their heads and ran him towards the shaking doorway.

The Captain wriggled and squirmed in their grasp. "This is mutiny, I say! Mutiny!"

Spock shook his head half-mournfully. "It's for your own good, sir," he stated sadly. He spun around on his heels and faced towards the Skype partner. "Now, what were we talking about before...ah yes, alliances!"

"Have you even seen the SIZE of some of these women?!" Kirk screamed, struggling to break loose. "Help, someone, HEEELLP!"

* * *

_Back on the planet's surface…_

Uhura gasped as she felt the ground tremor, along with the familiar sound of missiles blasting off into the distance as the Enterprise left orbit and possibly, the solar system. "What was that?"

Scotty raised an eyebrow. "What was what?"

Uhura scrunched her eyebrows together in thought, but then shrugged the idea aside. "Nothing," she muttered. After all, the Captain would never leave a man behind.

Unless, of course, in the case of desperate alien girlfriends.

* * *

**To be frank, I have absolutely no idea how they tracked him down...Facebook, most probably...**

**I didn't want to put this in the beginning author's note as not to spoil it, but…**

**Claimers: I totally own Pam the Psychiatrist (sadly no, she's not real), placidium, and desireium (unfortunately, there is no such thing as an element that could run an entire spaceship for over a year with one dosage).**

**Hope you likey-likey! (That was slightly disturbing…) R/R ladies and gentlemen!**


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